I hate wearing the color blue and since blue is my color for IC and Colon Cancer/Rare Disease I dyed my hair instead. Then I remember I am 36 and way to old to be rocking blue hair. Well, I also forgot that the shit runs down your face when you sweat and how am I working out with blue face? Anyway, it was hot for a weekend. I might do it again, sometime.
So this past week was rough and this weekend was pretty dark. DARK I tell ya. Sometimes I wonder how much the body can physically take. Yes I am sure the mind plays some part to survival but only so far. I also don’t get how when you say you think of dying people assume you mean suicide. Look if I was suicidal I would have been fucking dead A LONG TIME AGO! someone with IC alone I believe thinks of dying or suicide every 30 seconds of the day. I mention with my disease and pain that I am just waiting to die. This doesn’t mean I am going to do it, to be clear. I am just existing for the most part and this weekend was a good example of that. Walking through the WFM parking lot, my guts felt like they were going to push through my piss hole. Literally held my guts in as I shopped. I think the papaya enzyme I started taking was making me flare. I will see how tomorrow is and not take them. It is always a guessing game when you eat or drink something new. Have to play the guessing game to what fucks your insides up. The knot in my gut where food hangs out is freaking me out. Your heartbeat speeds up and feels like it has to work more and sometimes has palpitations. Especially if I have gas then it skips a beat. So yes I wonder when the body gives out. Just tanks, checks out. Sometimes I go to bed at night and wonder if I am waking up in the morning. Then that feeling goes away for a bit. It is a freaky thing though. People do die in their sleep.
But again I will say this is not a suicidal post this is a post about dying and living. It is sort of like the idots out there that think if you own guns you are going to flip your lid and shoot someone. Same shit, own guns don’t kill people and def never kill myself. This is a post about living with chronic pain and the mind fuck you live daily. I live every day though because I want to and think that this pain will eventually be worth it in the end.