Skip a Beat

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I hate wearing the color blue and since blue is my color for IC and Colon Cancer/Rare Disease I dyed my hair instead. Then I remember I am 36 and way to old to be rocking blue hair. Well, I also forgot that the shit runs down your face when you sweat and how am I working out with blue face? Anyway, it was hot for a weekend. I might do it again, sometime.

So this past week was rough and this weekend was pretty dark. DARK I tell ya. Sometimes I wonder how much the body can physically take. Yes I am sure the mind plays some part to survival but only so far. I also don’t get how when you say you think of dying people assume you mean suicide. Look if I was suicidal I would have been fucking dead A LONG TIME AGO! someone with IC alone I believe thinks of dying or suicide every 30 seconds of the day. I mention with my disease and pain that I am just waiting to die. This doesn’t mean I am going to do it, to be clear. I am just existing for the most part and this weekend was a good example of that. Walking through the WFM parking lot, my guts felt like they were going to push through my piss hole. Literally held my guts in as I shopped. I think the papaya enzyme I started taking was making me flare. I will see how tomorrow is and not take them. It is always a guessing game when you eat or drink something new. Have to play the guessing game to what fucks your insides up.  The knot in my gut where food hangs out is freaking me out. Your heartbeat speeds up and feels like it has to work more and sometimes has palpitations. Especially if I have gas then it skips a beat. So yes I wonder when the body gives out. Just tanks, checks out. Sometimes I go to bed at night and wonder if I am waking up in the morning. Then that feeling goes away for a bit. It is a freaky thing though. People do die in their sleep.

 

But again I will say this is not a suicidal post this is a post about dying and living. It is sort of like the idots out there that think if you own guns you are going to flip your lid and shoot someone. Same shit, own guns don’t kill people and def never kill myself. This is a post about living with chronic pain and the mind fuck you live daily. I live every day though because I want to and think that this pain will eventually be worth it in the end.

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3 thoughts on “Skip a Beat

  1. I have to move to a new city/part of the country every few years. I absolutely hate going to new doctors. Many of them start out being condescending in that I don’t know what I’m talking about with my own body and 90% of them don’t listen well, the single most important characteristic I believe a doctor should have.

    Then, right off the bat when you are seeing a new doctor, a lot of them think the pain one is in is suspect. “Yeah, you’re in pain alright but it might pass! so just hang in there” (translation: secretly I think you might be overreacting until I see you writhing on the floor..and maybe not even then.) And, right before you are shown to the exit there is a parting gift of “Try this new (piece of shit) drug I just got samples of.” Now bye bye. WTF

    It takes more than a few appointments to get them to actually comprehend the situation and by then many more bad days have come and gone. One of the many travesties of our health care system.

    What did the new GI do for you, or did you go yet?

    • My GI is doing my upper scope and stuff. They don’t do anything with pain. I have done nerve blocks by the spine before to kill the main nerve that hold the bladder and pouch area,etc. It helped so hopefully can find a new guy here to continue my pain management.

  2. It’s just WEARY. Pain and always having to consider what you eat and how you live. I miss those days of ignorance… bliss.

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