I get attached to things. I always have as a kid. Just ask my mom. I would never say I was spoiled, I was a good kid, didn’t do much complaining (until I was a teen) and love having fun. It is funny now how I look at newborns and 6 year olds thinking, “you could be growing bowel polyps everywhere and not even know it”. I meet more people with my disease and I feel like more parents need to know you can have my disease with nobody else in the family having it, like me.
So as a kid my mom made Christmas magical for me, every year. I knew Santa didn’t exist by a certain age when I woke up at night and saw her doing the yearly ritual of setting up a new bike and stuffed animals and tons of gifts that covered the area rug int he living room. To her, it was a big deal to make it a fairy tale land every year. So I never told her I knew Santa didn’t really exist for years, so I didn’t ruin her fun. We were not rich but we lived in a very wealthy neighborhood on the beach in Pompano Beach, FL right next to the lighthouse. Prime real estate and a great area to grow up in. Some people want to go back in time to change things in life. If I went back in time I would have gone back to age 5 where I was care free and had nothing to worry about. The only thing I would change is demanding I had a colonoscopy when I had issues that were just brushed aside as IBS when I didn’t have IBS.
With all the toys I received every year I some how became attached to 2 things that were never given to me as a present. My uncle would come over and ask my mom, “Kris, does Vanessa not have any toys?” I of course had plenty. The first thing I became attached to was a gallon of water. I dressed it up in one of my baby dresses I had and carried it everywhere. I can’t recall how long this lasted but it was a good deal of time because the gallon of water had feelings and well, it can last a long time as is. The 2nd item was an eggplant. The eggplant was a lot smaller of course so I could dress it up in a doll’s dress and make a bed for it in my dresser. The eggplant didn’t last nearly as long as the water for obvious reasons but it went everywhere with me. I guess I some how feel that way about Polyp #1 and Polyp #2. I wasn’t attached to them, since they can kill me until my GI named them with the last scope. That some how brought back all of what I just typed about and how I get attached to things. With that being said Polyp #2 will hopefully be removed with the 3rd try by Dr hamilton since it doesn’t say nice things. I have my consult with the new specialist Tues afternoon, I guess then the 3rd upper scope I’d have had in a 2 month time frame will be scheduled. I was told to take the word whipple out of my vocabulary. I should never need it since I have to be so closely monitored now. those words don’t comfort me since this disease has no predictions.
I cry easier now, way more without a colon. Maybe it is the serotonin that no longer gets released since it is gone or maybe it is just the pain and suffering I am so tired of. But I do cry at least once a day but thinking of being a kid again because there was no physical pain and suffering and I had fun, something I just don’t do anymore. People say I look mean or angry, standoffish, etc. Truth is I hurt, all the time so it’s hard to smile. I am bitter and angry because it is a constant nag I can’t escape. I also can’t escape a city and state I hate living in. This disease is controlling me lately as much as I love to say it doesn’t. I need to find happiness, I need to be able to explore the world. I feel trapped and confined and I HATE that feeling. I can’t breath in Texas. I remember when I went to NYC to hopefully move back for a job that didn’t work out a few months ago. The minute I landed in Maryland I felt like weights were lifted off my shoulders. I could breathe, I wasn’t here. I don’t know how to get out of this place but maybe another year of saving will help me move on and be able to fly here if needed for maintenance since not all GI can deal with my disease. If I find work and don’t continue to need procedures.
I wish I still had my 401k and savings. This disease robbed me and moving to a state with no jobs for my industry didn’t help.