Live like it is your last day.

I started to put together a crossfit/ oly lifting gym in my loft. I have been in a lot of pain and it is just hard for anyone to relate. The last place I want to be is at an affiliate who can’t understand. My guts scream at times and I don’t feel like being around people that are looking at me like I might die at any moment. Just need to work on my lifting (that has dropped about 80 pounds on my deadlift PR). Back in Florida I had a very hard time at CF St. Pete, but people sometimes said I didn’t push myself, that drove me nuts. I was having issues before running but really thought it had something to do with my tummy tuck I had about 2 years prior. I always felt like my lungs couldn’t fill up/expand like they once could when I ran. I would get so winded jumping rope or doing an AMRAP with a lot of cradio. Little did I fucking know, that whole time, it was my gallbladder. I had no idea a few stones in the gallbladder would wreck things like that. Now I can run without gassing myself even though other things make it sometimes a pain, like my bladder. But on a good day I run through the halls here at my lofts. One trip around the hallway here is about 180 meters. It’s an amazing feeling to run but if you have issues like I did out of the blue where even a 200 meter run is impossible, could be a bum gallbladder so yank that thing out!

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Rogue & Pendlay Bar/Bumpers. And a box I got from Fringe Sports. Check them out! Free shipping on everything and out of Austin in case you rather drive there and grab it.

Now this box is only a 12″ height but let me tell you I could NEVER jump a 12″ . I was always stuck at a 6″ box. I always felt like the leg pain from my muscle issues would just not give me the oomph. Of course being a designer I painted it to look bad ass. I did 4 box jumps since my toe is still busted from dropping a weight on it and it hurts to jump right now. I was beat! Some things are easy for me to do and others fatigue me. Jumping is definetley going to take awhile to get back into. So now I can just jump randomly when I feel up to it. I can’t pass this area without doing something, that is motivation.

Hopefully I will get the Rogue S2 rack and a concept rower eventually and my home gym will be semi complete. Maybe by 2013 I will go back to an affiliate. For now I am happy being a home gym loner where I can’t always get out of bed, let alone work out.

Now on to my pathology report since I am sure people are curious. I can’t recall the name of the big 10mm polyp that was removed but the rest were adenomas, common name for us FAPers. Of course for me I grew that fucker so quick in my Duadenum, it has my GI puzzled if someone missed that before. I had an upper scope and the camera pill done just 9 months ago and nothing shows in the photos. The large polyp had sever dysplasia. What does that mean you might ask? That is pretty much one step away from cancer. The whipple surgery is sometimes an option if you keep growing these pre cancerous or cancerous polyps. I on the other hand would be facing some serious risks since I had a gastric sleeve done, 60% of my stomach has been removed. I could face a life of TPN or death if I get short gut syndrome. There is also the risk of diabetes since some of the pancreas is removed in the whipple. I can’t really think about this all to much. It is out of my control, there is no cure for what I have and there is nothing I can do about it. I constantly grow things in me that can kill me at any time. Basically every day FAPulous people fight for their lives. We have a constant battle that never ends. But I am not dead yet so I can’t dwell on shit. If I live to 45 I will be happy. That is 9 more years.  Live like it is your last day.

I am not sure where I want to live. DC? VA? Portland? I know what feels like home. NYC but that just isn’t an option now. I wish I had money to just drive around the US and figure life out. I was so happy yesterday with the though I might just get out of Dallas after all. Texas is so not me and I am sure my pouch gets depressed, yes pouches get depressed people! I believe to properly move out of hell I will have to come up with 10k. That is a little hard when not employed! Where there is a will there is a way!

Here is my 6 month scar. I am 6 months post op now. Still a long way to go…My pain is ok somedays then horrible others. Today isn’t a good day. It was yesterday though. I was so happy yesterday. I take Bentyl to calm the gas and the movement in my small intestine. My intestine moves around a lot, even in the small bowl barium you could see it. I am back on cipro, probiotics weren’t cutting it. Even though I don’t have pouchitis.  I can’t function off of antibiotics. The pain that I normally have is hundreds of times worse. Only way to describe it is it feels like glass shards are in my small intestine and up my rib cage and kidneys. My pouch feels like needles stab everywhere inside. This is what I go through every day. I hate my disease but I can’t let it control me.

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I went swimming for the first time since my proctocolectomy. I was never nervous about going in a pool, that ampatch rocks and the valve keeps stuff out. Back when we lived in Kansas I went swimming at our apartment complex’s pool and I had a tiny hole in my thigh incision I had that I must not have known about and I got mercer/cellulitus and fought that infection for 4 months. It was a bad thing to go through so public pools just freak me out, especially with an opening in my gut!

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