pain, pain go away don’t come back some other day

My days are starting to just suck. As if I am trapped in my own body, a prisoner. I want to rip my insides out. I don’t know if it is surgical pain, horrific gas that is trapped everywhere, even my shoulder blades or something is wrong. I am on cipro and so far my pouch doesn’t hurt but the rest of me does. When I take a deep inhale or yawn my ribs hurts really bad. Like someone is squeezing me as I do it, shortening it so I have to do a few inhales or yawns very fast. I can’t find anyone else like me! It is as if nobody is having any issue. If this is gas wtf do I do? I tried stuff, man I really miss my colon. I am starting to hate my life. I once wanted to do things now I want to die.

 

tomorrow I go through all the usual starting of channels. Today I saw my Urologist and she gave my Lyrca to try in liquid form. I will see tomorrow when  I pick it up if my insurance covers it. That is mainly for my Interstitial Cystitis, to try to get my bladder to calm down after this surgery. Tomorrow, I suppose I am mainly going for pain management. Then maybe I will go visit my usual colorectal surgeons here. I regret doing that since so many hate internal pouches so I can just picture the looks and the thoughts of outloud sayings of “I told you so.”

 

My marriage is suffering, I am not sure we will get past this all and move on. it’s something we are discussing. We can’t survive with one person working, there is no sex life anymore so he is starting to look online, elsewhere for attention he is not getting from me. It breaks my heart but at the same time I understand and almost thing I just need to be alone, this crap I am dealing with I just want to cry when I want alone. It is nice that he feels he has to comfort me but sometimes I need to just be alone with my pain and thoughts. Wow, that sounded SOOOOO EMO! Do people still say that? Who knows, I am just going with it.

 

I miss you colon, polyps, cancer and all. I shouldn’t have traded you for the world.

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2 thoughts on “pain, pain go away don’t come back some other day

  1. My husband felt the same way. But he was not comforting; he was no help although I was seriously depressed. Not only about having a pouch but also getting a pouch while pregnant. I had emergency surgery the baby was removed also. He stayed in ICu for a month then passed away. Find out if you can get away for a couple of weeks; may be talk to a shrink. I think you need to just talk to someone you don’t know who dosen’t know you. Frankly I DO NOT UNDERSTAND why my husband would think about divorce. They don’t like to remember those vows before God. Through sickness and health. We were divorced 1 1/2 years ago, I felt like total *****. But now I know he really wasn’t the right person for me. My family and friends happily told me this after the divorce. I never believed in divorce, but I’m VERY HAPPY now.

  2. I am sorry but like you said maybe in the end it was good for you. My husband is my best friend, we get along very well, rarely fight so this is just some issues he has, fantasies, etc. He comforts me and supports me a lot, he’ll get water if I sit down to irrigate and I realized while on the pot my syringe container was empty. Have casual conversations in the bathroom while I intubate so it doesn’t bother him. I cry a lot, little less but still do and he always runs over to hold me so he is a good guy there is just some issues that are going to resolved or not. He has love and sex addiction in my opinion so when I am not around it is easy to mess around online. So far he’s been honest about it all. He needs to talk to someone besides me as well. A stranger. Since I am an Atheist I guess divorce isn’t the same for me but doubt we are at that point.

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