My days are starting to just suck. As if I am trapped in my own body, a prisoner. I want to rip my insides out. I don’t know if it is surgical pain, horrific gas that is trapped everywhere, even my shoulder blades or something is wrong. I am on cipro and so far my pouch doesn’t hurt but the rest of me does. When I take a deep inhale or yawn my ribs hurts really bad. Like someone is squeezing me as I do it, shortening it so I have to do a few inhales or yawns very fast. I can’t find anyone else like me! It is as if nobody is having any issue. If this is gas wtf do I do? I tried stuff, man I really miss my colon. I am starting to hate my life. I once wanted to do things now I want to die.
tomorrow I go through all the usual starting of channels. Today I saw my Urologist and she gave my Lyrca to try in liquid form. I will see tomorrow when I pick it up if my insurance covers it. That is mainly for my Interstitial Cystitis, to try to get my bladder to calm down after this surgery. Tomorrow, I suppose I am mainly going for pain management. Then maybe I will go visit my usual colorectal surgeons here. I regret doing that since so many hate internal pouches so I can just picture the looks and the thoughts of outloud sayings of “I told you so.”
My marriage is suffering, I am not sure we will get past this all and move on. it’s something we are discussing. We can’t survive with one person working, there is no sex life anymore so he is starting to look online, elsewhere for attention he is not getting from me. It breaks my heart but at the same time I understand and almost thing I just need to be alone, this crap I am dealing with I just want to cry when I want alone. It is nice that he feels he has to comfort me but sometimes I need to just be alone with my pain and thoughts. Wow, that sounded SOOOOO EMO! Do people still say that? Who knows, I am just going with it.
I miss you colon, polyps, cancer and all. I shouldn’t have traded you for the world.