Weakness is a choice

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As of right now I can’t walk more than the hallway twice. Out of breath, a lot of pain. Don’t eat more than 600 calories a day so awhile. Still a lot of recovery. Tons of pains without drains and stuff. I leave tomorrow. Long days ahead. Hate texas and miss florida so it’s very sad leaving. A lot of crying, etc. whole thing is very hard surger and recovery. Drains you physically, mentally and emotionally. You look at life very different.

I miss St Petersburg I wish I was able to stay living in a beautiful hidden City that could be a town in Holland or annywhere in Europe really. I wish I a had a job here that pays what I normally make so I could come
Back. As i sit here crying mainly just from extreme heartbreak and overwhelming sadness. I have been through so much but yet it feels like I am not ready to go. It’s a new life and big world when you feel this small.

In the end life is very short. I need to live by my family. They all live in New York so then what? Is it PA? Philly? My mom and I need to make plans. Being an only child I need to live in the same city.

Intubation is very mentally and emotionally draining. It hurts but not in the way you imagine pain. Your body has this new enterance that is being stuck with cartheter every 2 hrs for ones week, three hours the 2nd week and so on as you add an hour til you have sucessfully stretched your pouch to hold up to 12 hours. I signed up for this, I dont’t want a bag. After 2 weeks it is better. The stoma changed, looks more like a slit and not a red lipstick painted kiss. Things will get better. The poich is neat though and odd my poop has no order. All I smell is lubricant that is on the catheter. The pain is pressure and miscle tension.

I have lost 16 pounds in my 21 day stay. I needed it since I put 15 on with stress eating. Here is my tummy with no drains. Will take more as time goes on.

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My central line is being used on last time for my dose of Iron. The around 6am it comes out then I must lay flat on my back for 1 hour. Then on to my
First shower in 21 days. I want to take an hour long shower, embrace the water and hopefully smile.

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I hope I can sleep tonight. Insomnia on Ativan.

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