Nervous Breakdown

My news just seems to get worse and worse. First I was told I would have things rerouted then the surgeon I met with said he can’t do that since I have severe dysplasia in my rectum and it can’t stay. He said they will try to do the jpouch but if he opens me up and there are desmoids I will have an external bag. I don’t want a bag, I am not ready to live a life with one. I just don’t want it.

I don’t like that I might just wake up and be told they can’t give me a jpouch. I know it is about being alive and taking it all out, etc etc but it is if nobody is listening to what I want and that I am just not ok with this. Things are moving so fast it seems like and no moment to breathe.

I was told nothing major was in my cat scan but today I was told that it isn’t major BUT I have a small brain tumor about 1cm in the left side. Might be to small to operate on, might never grow, need to now see a neurologist.

I also lost my job yesterday. I was told I was grumpy and being a diva. She knows what I am going through and I also have a horrible cold. I deserve a day of being grumpy or more.

I felt like I was going to have an anxiety attack at the doctor’s office, I booked my surgery then left and cried hysterically in the parking lot. I am scheduled for surgery Nov 1st but I am just not OK with this all at all still. My uncle is a GI specialist in Pennsylvania and has been talking to my doctor and other surgeons he knows from big name Unis and if I didn’t have this all caught now I would have been dead at age 37, 2 years from now. How do you live life with a bag externally on your body? I just can’t deal with that part at all.

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